Saturday, 25 January 2014

Mind Games

This is my attempt at week 4 of Life Book 2014. Lots of blue and purple, with a portion of a map of an area not so far from home and some words by Stephen King. Didn't think I'd ever be quoting him, but there's a lot more to him than the books that I associate him with, obviously.
This lesson stirred up some emotions about Kevin and the way I feel now. I feel lonely and left behind. It's as though he has gone on to somewhere better, somewhere I can't go. I'm not religious, but I do wonder if there is anything else after death, or is that it? The whole thing seems like such a bloody waste.
He was a big person, in many ways; physically and personality-wise. He liked nothing better than an audience that he could entertain and if they were all laughing, he was in his element. Then he became ill, was diagnosed and died, all within about six weeks.
He bravely talked about what he wanted during those last days and informed me that he wanted to be cremated and that I was to scatter his ashes at Castle Point (local spot).
We don't talk about death enough in this country. If the subject comes up, we politely do our best to avoid it. I didn't think to ask him for details. I was so shocked at the thought of losing him, but I wish now that I had asked, "What do you mean, exactly?"

Castle Point is a bend in the road at the seafront. It leads to another beach and the harbour. There is a war memorial there, above the road, in the grounds of the castle. Did Kev mean at the memorial? Did he mean at the turn in the road? Or maybe he meant for me to scatter his ashes in the sea (also very, very close to the Point) and this seems the  more sensible option.
So I don't know what I'm supposed to do and maybe that's partly an excuse, because I don't want to do it anyway, although I did have a 'trial run' in 2012, when I just took a small portion of the ashes and scattered them at the wooden jetty, knowing that the current would carry them over towards Castle Point. I stood there for a long time afterwards, watching them float towards the Point, before they disappeared.
Kev would have been roaring with laughter at the whole scene. Nobody tells you how to carry the precious parcel to your chosen area. I didn't know that you can now buy special 'tubes', or canisters expressly for scattering ashes. They don't teach you that in school (perhaps they should!).
And how was I to know that the ashes would billow up into a huge cloud, before settling into the sea?
I was trying to be low-key. I made sure that there was no-one else around before I did it! I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to do what I did. Apparently there are laws relating to scattering ashes near harbour walls/roads, etc. These are things that I have found out since, courtesy of Google (I can hear Kev laughing still...).
This is an aerial view of Castle Point, with the war memorial at the top of the photo. I'm just as confused as ever about the whole thing. Some of his ashes will always stay with me. Some are in a large wooden box, ready to be scattered, but I have kept a small portion back in another (smaller) and more ornate box, which I will keep (I want the box in my coffin with me when I go). I like to think that's the bit with his heart in it. I know it sounds strange to talk about it, but that is how my brain works these days, trying to make some sense out of it all, but I can't. Wish he could tell me what to do.
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