I feel so tired tonight. Not physically tired, not even mentally tired really...just tired of the same old slog every day and no Kev to talk to, no big bear hug and no jokes to cheer me up. If I found out that I, too, had a terminal illness, I think I would say, thank god, now I can go and be with Kev.
I'm now on 60mgs Prozac a day and I'm thinking I need some more. The meds don't work, so now I am going to get some more help and a review of my case. About time! I wonder just how long I'll have to wait for this appointment? I've been waiting over 6 months for a clinic appt. for my Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and about two months for my metatarsal footy thingummy.

Mixed-Media Art Swap

This was a post that I thought I'd published, but didn't, so here it is...


I received my heart from the swap I did with Alix Huntley-Speirs through www.mixedmediaart.ning.com
Alix has made the most beautiful piece of art for me, featuring Kev and I. It opens up and has pages where I can write thoughts, poems etc and there is even room for a photograph. I was so touched when this arrived in the post. I cried quite a bit, but they were happy-ish tears. Thanks Alix, it is very special and has pride of place on my dresser, next to other mementos of my life with Kev.

Thank you Cruse

Quite simply...thank you Cruse. I have started having counselling with Cruse again and I can't thank them enough. I go, not knowing what I'm going to say, or even thinking (like today), that I have nothing to say. Yet, I come out, having told my counselor things that I didn't even know were inside my head! After the session I feel relieved, even 'cleansed'. It allows me to vent my feelings and then leave them there, to be gently discussed next time. That then allows me to get on with life. And yes, that helps me. The things I say don't seem to faze her, I suppose she's heard all sorts. So thank you, I do appreciate your help.

A lovely cwtch with my beautiful grandson today, which made me feel so calm and warm inside. I held him up on my shoulder and he was snuggled into my neck. I talked to him about...I can't exactly remember, but it was just the sound of my voice that mattered, because he became quiet and still, as if he was listening intently. It was absolute magic, and a really special feeling. It did me good.

Art Journals

This is an art journal that I've been working on for months and months. I started by removing some of the pages, so it wouldn't be too fat when I'd used it up. Now, I wish that I'd left those pages in it, 'cos I actually like the fact that I'm already having trouble closing it. I like that it's fat and wonky!

I have been gesso-ing the pages, waiting for them to dry (great if the weather was good, I could put them on the table outside), then painting them with acrylics, gouache and water-colour pencils. I made a little paper tab for almost every page and like that it looks messy and colourful. I've still got lots of pages to prepare and am looking forward to the day when I can actually start working in it. It is one of many journals that I have begun, am currently preparing or have finished.

It's the only thing that I can get absorbed in just now and it acts as a distraction technique or process. I love it. It makes me feel content.

I became a grandmother yesterday! This is Tee-jay, about eight hours old. I can't believe how gorgeous he is and how much he looks like L when he was born. I am smitten! I cuddled him and really didn't want to let him go

The second picture is after he had his bath today. He looks shattered!

      I can't wait to see him at the weekend

Death. It has a bloody awful effect on us. (Is there a joke there somewhere??). It goes on and on...ad infinitum this grieving and I feel like I'm not allowed to laugh (I had a good laugh at someones blog this morning) and feel bad when I do. My man was one of those people who laughed all of the time, about everything. Everything had a joke in it for him and it was contagious and that's why other people loved him. So  I should be allowed to laugh sometimes, yes?
I want to laugh. I want to pull up the corners of my miserable mouth and stretch them in a big smile, so can I, or what?!!