Thursday, 26 April 2012

I have been off work for a week. I was dreading the first anniversary of Kevin's death. On the actual day, I felt subdued, but restless (!). Didn't have much to say to my family who spent the day with me, bless them. Went to bed that evening feeling a bit weird, but okayish.
The next day, it all hit me...hard.
I started crying off and on all day and for most of the following days until I thought I'd never stop.
I felt so bad by the end of the week that I went to the docs and asked to be put off for a week. I just wanted to 'get off the bus' for a while; to calm myself, cry if I needed to; and also to try and put my thoughts in order. I wasn't thinking straight at all; could not work things out in a logical fashion.
I was duly given a sickness certificate for a week and took myself home to hide away. I'm glad to say that I did the right thing. During the week, I managed to make an appointment to see J, my wonderful Cruse counsellor. She told me that it was all perfectly 'normal' to go downhill at this important anniversary and I was relieved to hear that I wasn't going mad (the doctor I saw said that he would refer me to a psychiatrist at the end of the week if I was no better!). 
I'm coming out of the other side of it now and feeling better every day. I think I can manage to go back to work next week too.

I've had the time to do a lot of thinking this last week too (not always a good thing), and have decided that I'm ready to start thinking about the future and to start saving for a holiday to Malta. C, my sister will come too and so I have something good to think about and work towards. 

The other big thing that has been making me feel so lost is that the day is almost here when my eldest son, L, is off to Canada with his girlfriend L. They are flying on Monday and goodness knows when I'll get to see him again. I bought a camera for the laptop so that we can Skype and of course Facebook is a good way of staying in touch. I couldn't bear to think about him going before, but now, eventually, I have become used to the idea and only want the best in life for him (and L, of course). I want them to go off and have the most wonderful adventure ever! I will be sending all my love with them when I say goodbye on Sunday. I hope they stay safe, happy and look after each other.

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